This is my addiction
This is my need
This is what I do
I get angry
I get sad
I get depressed
And I turn to the one thing
That’s always there
The one thing
That seems to bring comfort
That seems to let me know
That I am alive
That I can still feel
That I’m not numb
That I still hurt
That I still bleed
That shiny
Sharp object
That glints in the sunlight
That sends hot pain
As it’s dragged across my wrist
Across my arm
That sting that lets me know
Your still here
Still alive
Still in this fucked up life
Still hurting
But hey
I’m alive right
Right?
At least I think I am
I don’t really know anymore
So I keep cutting
Keep bleeding
Trying to figure that out
It hurts
There’s pain
So I must be alive
My heart can still be torn
Broke
Ripped apart
Hurt
So I must be alive
I don’t know
Maybe
Maybe I should check
Another cut
More pain
More blood
Welling up
Spilling over
Drip
Drip
As it falls on the floor
Yup there’s that bit of pain
I’m alive
Covering up the cuts
Ashamed
Afraid
What if someone sees
Blood seeping through the bandage
Not stopping
Drip
Drip
Hitting the floor
Pooling at my feet
Feeling my body start to get cold
My heart beating faster
Knowing this could be the end
Part of me scared
Part of me relieved
Feeling faint
Falling to my knees
My vision getting blurred
Looking down
The blood has stopped
It no longer flows
I clean up my mess
Mop up the floor
And lay on my bed
Wondering
I do this
To see if I’m still alive
And yet every time I check
I almost die
And every time I check
I die a little more inside
Getting numb
Getting cold
All because of this
All because of
My addiction

Heather Brooke Martinez
August 22, 2004